As a counsellor who works with co-parents and individuals who are separated, divorced or in the process of changing their home structure, this is a question I receive often (especially those with minor children).
When discussing how much detail is appropriate to share with your children, it is important to consider a few factors. So let’s discuss a few variables. Keep in mind, you can choose to say and do whatever you want. These are simply things that I think, as a counsellor, are important to check in with before you start discussing intimate details of a personal relationship with someone outside of that relationship, espeically children (even your adult children).
KNOW YOUR INTENTIONS
This is perhaps one of the most important factors to consider. One of the most difficult situations I come across is when one parent didn’t want the separation/divorce. In circumstances such as these, the parent who didn’t want the separation/divorce can be tempted to want to absolve blame from themself and let the kids know that they are in the same boat…you didn’t want this either! The issue with this circumstance is that it opens the door to the suggestion that there is a place for blame. The issue with blame is that one person is always at fault and I cannot imagine a situation where someone is completely absolved from the dissolution of a relationship...regardless of the situation,
While you may feel that blame is appropriate (especially in situations where there was an identifiable moment that ended the relationship), it ignores other qualifying measures that may have deeply impacted the state of the relationship as a whole. The motivating factor is usually part of a very complex and intimate series of events over time that contributed to the overall health of the relationship. Truth is, most relationships don't end in large events. Relationships often end because of a series of hurt that has built overtime. Maybe it built to a slow distancing, or maybe it built to a larger event. Either way, the road to separation and divorce are rarely simple.
In my experience, if absolving yourself from blame is the leading motive behind giving your kids details, it never ends well. Usually for one simple reason…factors for leaving can be deeply intimate and most often are not appropriate for others (especially children both young and adult).
So if the motive is to absolve you of blame or to offer your perspective, it’s important to note that your perspective may not be shared by your co-parent and they may not be inclined to agree which opens up a conversation that your children (and anyone outside of that relationship) don't need to be privy too. In fact, most separated couples that I sit with don’t truly understand their partner’s reasons for leaving.
By offering your children a very one sided narrative, you may be opening your children to a much larger conversation wherein the other partner shares their reasoning. If your goal is reduce emotional fallout for your children, please don't disguise hurt under the name of "being honest" with your children. All you are doing is putting the children in the middle of a very inappropriate conversation and inadvertantly (or intentionally) asking them to pick sides.
Reall life reasons for ending a relationship are plenty. Here are some of the most common that I hear in session:
-They aren't attracted to their partner anymore
-Different values that can't be compromised
-Feeling a lack of support
-The sex life wasn't compatiable
-Growing Apart
-Financial Stress
-Emotional or Physical Abuse
-Substance abuse/addiction
-Mental Health concerns
-One partner prioritzed their role as a parent over the marraige
-Difficult relationships with extended family members
-All the feelings (being taken forgranted, ignored, unprioritized, etc.)
-Infidelity
-Comparison mindet
-Boredom
-Wanting autonomy
-Domestic Violence
-Fear of Commitment
-They don't want to be with that person anymore
Reasons for leaving are deeply personal and all reasons are valid (regardless if you agree with them or not). Individual value based systems guide us to stay or leave and we cannot determine or manipulate someone else's needs. So while things may have been okay enough for you to stay, that doesn't mean it was for your former partner. While it's difficult to understand motives outside of our personal value based system, we only need to respect their autonomous decision.
IF THERE HAS BEEN AN AFFAIR
Specifically, in situations where there has infidelity, I often ask clients to review their intentions behind wanting to sharing details. In such as these, it is very common for the betrayed party to want the kids to know that the divorce “wasn’t their fault”. In hindsight some even admit (with hindsight) that they wanted to hurt the other parent and/or wanted the kids “on their side”. Please don't use your kids for validation of hurt and please don't use your kids to help you heal!
Psychotherapist Esther Perel works extensively with with couples and those who have experienced infidelity and she explains: “people cheat on each other in a hundred different ways: indifference, emotional negligence, contempt, lack of respect, years of refusing intimacy. Cheating doesn’t begin to describe the ways people let each other down”.
The reason I bring up that quote is that, while YOU may not agree with Esther Perel…your ex partner very likely might. When you offer a simplistic reason for why someone choose to separate and you attach blame to that person (Because they cheated, they left or you left) , you are opening the door to a larger and possibly really intimate conversation wherein your partner offers provides clarity or context regarding their reasoning for leaving (which often in these scenarios have to do with the state of the relationship well beyond the cheating). This is where mudslinging of details begins. This is how children end up with too much information and this is where children get hurt (adult and minor).
Relationships are diverse and complex. Does your child (minor or adult) need to be privy to the initimacy and details of your past romantic relationship...NO. The truth is that cheating doesn't always end marriages. In fact, I have worked with many couples who used infidelity as the opportunity to build a better relationship together and started open communication to get their needs met going forward. So cheating isn't necessarily the reason for why a marriage ended, and if it is for you....it might not be for your ex-partner.
If are interested in reading about infidelity, check out our blog post coming later this month "the mystery and misunderstood nature of infidelity".
UNDERSTANDING WHY YOUR CHILD IS ASKING
Children often ask "Why did you get divorced?" because they are trying to make sense of a situation that can feel confusing, upsetting, and destabilizing to them. Divorce disrupts the family structure and is a major life event that challenges a child's sense of security. Their questions reflect a deep desire to understand the change and the emotional impact it has on them.
Common concerns and curiosity can include questions around:
their role
general understanding of why relationships disolve
what will happen in the immediate or long term future
reassurance
curiorirty
emotional processing
a desire to reclaim control and preditability
You can answer the questions above WITHOUT PLACING BLAME. Ask questions to understand what your child is seeking with their questions. It is likely that they are trying to make sense of a major life event and it's ok if you don't have all the answers. Offering reassurance over the things are that are within your control (your relationship with them) can help to provide a sense of security.
DISCUSS USING APPROPRIATE AGE & STAGE
Discussing divorce with children can be challenging, as their emotional understanding and ability to process complex information vary at different developmental stages. The way you talk to your child about divorce should be tailored to their age, maturity level, and emotional needs. Below is a breakdown of how to approach the conversation at different ages and stages of development.
TODDLER AND PRESCHOOL (2-5)
Developmental Understanding:
At this stage, children have limited understanding of abstract concepts like relationships and divorce. Their primary concern is the stability of their world, and changes in routine or living arrangements can be unsettling for them. They may not grasp the reason behind the separation but can sense tension and emotional shifts.
How to Discuss It:
Keep it Simple: Use clear, simple language. Explain that mommy and daddy won't be living together anymore, but both of you still love them and will always be there for them.
Example: “Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to live in the same house anymore, but we both love you very much, and we’re still your parents.”
Reassure Them About Safety: Young children often feel insecure when routines change, so it’s important to reassure them that they will still be cared for and loved.
Example: “You’ll still have your room, and you’ll still see both of us. We are still a family, just in a different way.”
Keep Emotional Reactions Calm: At this age, children are very sensitive to emotional cues. If you're upset, they may internalize that as something bad or frightening. Keep your own emotions in check when talking to them.
Predictable Routines: Reassure them about daily routines. Predictable routines will help them adjust to the change.
ELEMENTARY AGE (6-9)
Developmental Understanding:
Children in this age group are beginning to understand the concept of cause and effect and can process more information than younger children. However, they may still have difficulty understanding the emotional complexities behind divorce and may feel guilty or anxious, believing they caused the separation.
How to Discuss It:
Use Clear, Honest Language: While keeping it simple, provide a bit more detail. Explain that sometimes adults can't live together anymore, but it doesn't change their love for the child.
Example: “Mommy and Daddy have decided we can’t live together anymore. We still love you very much, and we always will. We’re still your parents, and we’ll both always take care of you.”
Remove Blame: Children at this age may think they are responsible for the divorce, especially if they’ve been misbehaving or having a difficult time in school. You do NOT have to blame anyone!
Example: “This has nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. Mommy and Daddy made this decision because of adult reasons. You’re not the reason for the divorce.”
Encourage Questions: At this stage, children might have specific questions. Give them the space to ask and answer as honestly as possible, but don’t overwhelm them with too many details.
Example: “I know this is confusing, and it might take time for you to get used to everything. If you have any questions, you can ask us anytime.”
Be Aware of Their Emotional Needs: They may feel sad, scared, or angry. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, but avoid pressuring them to express themselves if they’re not ready.
TWEENS (AGES 10-12)
Developmental Understanding:
At this stage, children are developing a more mature understanding of relationships, and they may be more attuned to the emotional reasons behind the divorce. They can begin to understand more complex feelings like disappointment, sadness, and anger. Tweens may have difficulty with the idea that the parents' marriage is over and might feel torn between the two parents.
How to Discuss It:
Be Honest and Direct: You can be more detailed about the reasons for the divorce, but be careful not to share overly negative or blaming information about the other parent. Explain that people grow apart sometimes and that it’s not about anything the child did.
Example: “Sometimes, adults have problems in their relationship and they can’t fix them. Mommy and Daddy just realized we couldn’t be happy together anymore. It’s not anyone’s fault, and we still both love you very much.”
Acknowledge Their Emotions: Tweens may express more complex emotions. They may feel sadness, confusion, guilt, or even anger. Validate these feelings and let them know it’s normal to feel upset.
Example: “It’s okay to be upset or angry. It’s a big change, and it’s okay to take time to adjust.”
Be Ready for More Questions: Tweens are more likely to ask specific questions, like, "Why did you get divorced?" or "Are you still friends?" Answer them as truthfully as possible, while protecting them from adult issues they don’t need to know. It is helpful if parents can agree on overarching themes about why their relationship wasn't working, but it's not neccesary.
Example: “We are not friends in the same way, but we will always be friends as parents. Our goal is to make sure you feel loved and safe no matter what.”
Emphasize They Aren’t Choosing Sides: Tweens may feel conflicted about having to choose between parents or may worry about hurting one parent's feelings by spending time with the other. Reassure them that they don't have to pick a side.
Example: “You don’t have to choose between us. We both love you, and we want you to have a good relationship with both of us.”
TEENAGERS (13-18)
Developmental Understanding:
Teenagers have a more mature understanding of relationships and can grasp the emotional complexities behind divorce, including the notion that two people might grow apart, experience dissatisfaction, or have irreconcilable differences. However, they may struggle with feelings of anger, betrayal, and confusion, and may react in ways that are defensive or withdrawn.
How to Discuss It:
Be Honest and Clear About the Reasons: Teenagers are likely to have more questions and want more information. It’s important to be open, but still respectful of their emotional needs. While you should avoid blaming the other parent or oversharing personal conflicts, it’s okay to discuss the realities of why the divorce happened.
Example: “We realized that over time, we just weren’t happy together anymore. We tried to make it work, but sometimes relationships change. It’s not your fault. We both want what’s best for you.”
Allow Space for Their Reactions: Teenagers may react with anger, sadness, or frustration, and they might withdraw or express feelings of betrayal. It’s important to give them the space to process their emotions, even if they seem distant.
Example: “I know this is hard for you, and you may be feeling upset. We understand that, and we’re here for you if you want to talk.”
Acknowledge Their Concerns About the Future: Teenagers are beginning to form their own identities and may feel anxious about the future, their family’s dynamics, and how the divorce will impact them. They may also feel guilty about having to spend time with both parents separately or not wanting to burden one parent.
Example: “Things might look different, and we understand that it’s hard. But we both still care about you, and we want you to feel comfortable with both of us. You don’t need to worry about taking care of us—we’ll figure it out.”
Offer Reassurance: Some teens may worry about being caught in the middle or the long-term effects of the divorce. Reassure them that both parents are still involved in their lives and that they will still be supported in their goals.
Example: “We want to make sure that you feel supported, no matter where you live or what’s going on with us. You’re not alone in this.”
It is common to offer explanations differently depending on age and stage of emotional maturity. However there is NEVER an age where a child needs to hear you talk poorly about their parent. There is NEVER a time that is appropriate to offer initmate details of a relationship with your children.
SO WHAT DO I TELL THEM?
In an ideal world, it is nice when both parents understand why they broke up and they can agree on a blame free and age appropriate response. At the very minimum, most can agree that there were aspects of the relationship that didn't work.
I am all for truth, I am NOT for being casually cruel in the name of being honest (to quote Taylor Swift). If intention is to give context, I suggest finding an A line and a B line. The A line is an over arching generalized comment about break ups and a B line is a more specific blame free reason. Generally aim to be patient, consistent, reassuring, and AVOID BLAME.