Letting Go of the Ideal: Choosing Parallel Parenting for Peace

When most people picture parenting after separation or divorce, they often imagine co-parenting as the gold standard: two adults setting aside differences, communicating effectively, and working closely together to raise their children.

This image is everywhere—on social media, in parenting blogs, even in courtrooms. And while it's a wonderful model when it works, the truth is: co-parenting is not always realistic. In high-conflict or emotionally strained situations, trying to maintain constant cooperation and communication can actually do more harm than good. That is where parallel parenting comes in.

What Is Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting is a structured, low-conflict approach for separated or divorced parents who struggle to communicate respectfully. Rather than co-managing every decision, parallel parenting allows each parent to operate independently during their time with the child, with minimal direct interaction.

Key characteristics of parallel parenting include:

• Limited direct communication, usually in writing or through co-parenting apps

• Clear boundaries and a detailed parenting plan

• Each parent handles day-to-day decisions while the child is in their care

• Focus on reducing conflict and protecting the child from tension

• Parenting separately, but with shared long-term goals

  
  

It’s not about avoiding responsibility—it’s about creating a peaceful environment for your child, especially when collaboration creates more chaos than calm.

Letting Go of “What Should Be” and Accepting What Someone Else is Willing To Offer

Choosing parallel parenting often begins with letting go of the image of what parenting "should" look like.

Like many parents, I held onto the idea that we needed to get along—for birthdays, school events, holidays. I believed that if we just tried hard enough, we could co-parent like the families I saw online. But instead, every interaction became a source of stress. Communication broke down. Our child picked up on the tension. Triangulation happened and eventually our child was put in a position where they were encouraged to join in on the negativity.

The turning point came when I realized: we don’t have to parent the same way to both be good parents.

Parallel parenting offered us the structure, space, and boundaries we needed to move forward without the constant emotional friction.

Why Parallel Parenting Can Be the Healthier Choice

Contrary to what some may believe, choosing parallel parenting is not a sign of failure. It’s a conscious, often courageous choice to protect your child’s well-being—and your own mental health.

Here’s what peace looked like for us:

• Predictable routines for our child

• Reduced emotional triggers during exchanges

• A neutral, business-like communication style

• Less exposure to adult conflict

• More mental clarity and emotional energy for parenting

  
  

Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is step back—not from your child, but from a dynamic that’s no longer working.

Parallel Parenting In Practice

Let's go through some exampes of what co-parenting might look like and what parallel parenting looks like instead!

Birthday Parties

In a co-parenting situation, parents might choose to attend together or might share the responsbilities in planning or the financial responsibilities. In parallel parenting, each parent may choose to throw their child their own party on their time with little to no involvement from the other parent.

Flexible Schedules

In a co-parent situation, parents are able to communicate directly and can easily agree on swaps to the schedule that align outside of the court ordered parenting time. In parallel parenting there is more rigidity and changes to the schedule are done formally through lawyers or mediators.

Consistent Rules

In a co-parent situation, parents are able to work together to create consistent rules for the child. For example, the households may agree to a specific bedtime or rules are screentime. In parallel parenting the child follows different rules in each home and there is limited or no effort to coordinate.

Aspect	Co-Parenting	Parallel Parenting
Communication	Frequent, open, and cooperative	Minimal, structured, usually written
Conflict Level	Low to moderate	High
Decision Making	Shared and collaborative	Mostly independent
Parenting Style Consistency	Coordinated across both homes	Different rules in each home
Child's Events	Attended together	Attended separately or alternately

Help! I thought I was Co-parenting, but after reading this I think I am Parallel Parenting!

It is completely understandable to feel disappointed, heartbroken or even angry when you realize that you are working so hard for a goal that isn't shared between the homes. Possibly one of the most frustrating things you can hear from a co-parent is that they don't care or that they have little or no intention in taking your concerns seriously or working together. An inability to co-parent isn't failure, but it does require a strategic shift. The sooner you can identify the situation you are in, the sooner you can pivot and make healthier choices.

Here is a checklist of signs that you are Parallel Parenting (not co-Parenting).

Communication & Conflict

• Communication is limited to essential topics only (e.g., scheduling, health).

• You use written tools (email, apps like OurFamilyWizard) to avoid conflict.

• Conversations are often tense, critical, or unproductive.

• You avoid in-person or phone contact unless absolutely necessary.

• There’s little to no collaboration or teamwork.

Decision-Making

• You make most decisions independently during your parenting time.

• The other parent disregards or overrides your input.

• You feel like you can’t trust them to respect shared agreements.

• There's no agreement on rules, discipline, or routines.

• Major decisions are made through court, legal agreements, or mediation.

Parenting Dynamics

• Each parent runs their household differently with little coordination.

• There’s no consistency in routines like bedtime, screen time, or discipline.

• Your co-parent undermines or dismisses your parenting choices.

• You feel the need to protect your child from emotional fallout after exchanges.

• Your child mentions hearing negative things about you from the other parent.

Scheduling & Boundaries

• Exchanges are strictly by schedule—no casual flexibility or swaps.

• You rely on court orders or detailed agreements to manage visitation.

• Boundaries feel necessary for your peace and your child’s stability.

• You rarely (if ever) attend your child’s events together with the other parent.

• Coordinating holidays or birthdays is done separately or alternately.

Emotional Climate

• Interactions feel like business transactions, not teamwork.

• You often feel drained, stressed, or anxious after dealing with the other parent.

• You’ve grieved the idea of co-parenting and are focused on minimizing conflict.

• You prioritize protecting your child from high-conflict dynamics.

If you have checked 10 or more, you're likely in a parallel parenting model. That’s not a failure—it’s a healthy boundary-based strategy when co-parenting isn’t emotionally safe or realistic.

Reframing Success as a Co-Parent

Successful parenting after separation doesn’t have to mean joint holidays or matching bedtime routines. It means:

• Showing up for your child with calm and consistency

• Making decisions that protect their emotional environment

• Respecting boundaries—yours and theirs

• Creating a life of stability, even if it looks different than expected

  
  

Parallel parenting may not be the ideal you imagined. But in many cases, it becomes the most effective and peaceful path forward. Parallel parenting is a tool, not a defeat. You still have a tonne of influence and control in your parenting, but it needs to be focused to your time and inside your home. One of my favourite ways to preface a rule in our home is "At our home" or "during our parenting time" and then the expectation. I learned this tool several years in and I wish I had learned it sooner. Allowing your expectations to be prefaced by your time or your household allows influence over what you are presenting. An example would be "In our house, we wear sunscreen". That way, regardless of what your parallel parent says, the rule stands in your home because you have 100% control during your parenting time and in your home.

Parallel parenting can be a powerful protective strategy when you're dealing with a co-parent who is dismissive, controlling, or undermining your parenting. Rather than trying to force cooperation where it's not possible, parallel parenting prioritizes peace, boundaries, and stability—especially for the child.

These small reframes help in difficult situations where someone is seeking to limit your parenting influence.

All The Ways that Parallel Parenting Can Help

1.Reduces Conflict and Emotional Drain

When a co-parent constantly dismisses or criticizes your parenting, every interaction can become a battleground. Parallel parenting limits direct communication and interaction, which helps:

• Avoid arguments in front of the child.

• Preserve your emotional energy.

• Prevent escalation and emotional manipulation.

  
  

2. Reclaims Control Over Your Parenting Space

If your co-parent undermines you, parallel parenting gives you the freedom to parent confidently and independently within your time:

• You set the rules, values, and routines in your home.

• You make day-to-day decisions without needing validation or input.

• You become a safe, consistent presence your child can rely on.

3. Protects the Child From Loyalty Conflicts

When one parent undermines the other, children often feel caught in the middle. Parallel parenting reduces this by:

• Minimizing child exposure to conflict.

• Establishing clear boundaries between the two households.

• Helping the child feel emotionally safe and supported—even if the homes are very different.

  
  

4. Establishes Clear Communication Boundaries

Rather than engaging in emotional or dismissive conversations, communication is:

• Kept limited to logistics (e.g., health, school, emergencies).

• Done in writing via email or a parenting app (e.g., OurFamilyWizard).

• Focused on facts, not feelings—protecting you from being gaslit or talked down to.

5. Reduces the Impact of Undermining Behavior

Even if your co-parent says things like, “Your mom’s too strict,” or “Your dad doesn’t know what he’s doing,” parallel parenting lets you:

• Avoid reacting emotionally or defensively in front of your child.

• Stay consistent, grounded, and loving.

• Teach your child critical thinking and emotional resilience over time.

In Closing

If you're navigating a difficult co-parenting dynamic and feeling like you're falling short of the “ideal,” know this: you’re not alone—and you’re not doing it wrong. You’re adjusting, protecting, and choosing peace for your family. Children don't need two identical homes. Children need a least one stable and emotionally secure environment. You have the ability to be that for him, regardless of what the other home is doing.

Parallel parenting isn’t giving up. It’s stepping into a new model of strength, clarity, and love.

Need support navigating parallel parenting or post-separation family dynamics? We’re here to help.

Robin