Complex Co-parenting Strategies: What to do when your child is resisting time with their other parent.

Hearing your child say they don’t want to go on their planned time with the other parent can bring mixed emotions. It can be natural to want to protect your children from emotional pain, but what about your own emotions? When this happens, do you find yourself feeling sadness, joy, frustration, or even anger? 

Recently, my son held my legs and cried as he begged me to stay home. He was little when his dad and I split, so he has no memories of life being any different. Yet somehow, we are navigating the common resistance many children experience when they live in two homes. Of course, a part of me wanted to tell him he could stay home with me. But that’s not what I did. Instead, I hugged my little boy tightly, reminded him that no matter where he was or where I was, we were always connected, and told him that his time with his dad was also important.  

Depending on the circumstances with your ex-partner, it’s helpful to discuss this with the other parent and come up with a plan together. Other times, you may not have the option to talk to the other parent to create a plan together. When you’re parallel parenting, you have to do the best with what you have. And you are the best resource you have available. Regardless of the level of communication you have with the other parent, you should aim to notify them on whatever agreed upon method you have. It’s important that both parents be aware and involved whenever possible.

THOUGHTFUL REMINDERS

Things like having a photo of their other parent with them, or even having a special object they can take with them, can make these moments easier. It doesn’t have to be anything big, expensive, or fancy. Something as simple as a special bracelet your child can wear, letting them know they can look at the bracelet anytime they are missing home and remember how loved they are, can be meaningful. Predictability is helpful in these situations. Having a set place and time for pick up and drop offs can help with any anxieties. 

CHECKING IN ON YOUR EMOTIONS

The first step is to check in with your own emotions. Notice what you are feeling and determine if you need a minute to regulate before responding (coregulation = emotional regulation). Validate your child’s feelings, let them know it’s ok to feel whatever they might be feeling AND that their time with their other parent is also important. 

NO CHEERLEADING NECESSARY

Avoid hyping the other parent up. Your immediate reaction might be to highlight all the fun things the other parent has planned, activities at their home, or past experiences they have had with them. This might sound something like “oh but I know dad has a big trip to the park/zoo/beach/etc. planned and you’re going to have SO much fun”. Although you might be well-intentioned, this can instead feel dismissive to kids and can often feel insincere. Instead, focus on the time with their other parent being valuable and let them see for themselves once they get there. 

STAY OUT OF THE WEEDS

On the other hand, you might be more inclined to degrade the other parent - if you’ve said things along the lines of “I wouldn’t want to go either, your mom is the worst, I don’t blame you for wanting to stay home”, you might consider where this is coming from. It’s likely that your own emotional needs are being met by this shared connection with your child. You might even feel vindicated that your child doesn't want to go with your former spouse, and this is being communicated to your child. The thing is, this is confusing for children and can lead to internal shame and blame (after all, your child is a combination of both parents). 

It can be normal to have thoughts on either end. Having these thoughts can be a very normal part of this new family dynamic, and by catching and challenging them, you can be more available to your child’s emotional needs when they are rejecting the shared parenting schedule. What your child needs most is stability, validation, and predictability. 

PERSPECTIVE SHIFT

Be mindful that you are not reinforcing that your child doesn’t want to go. Validating their emotions is different than saying “I know you don’t want to go, and I don’t want you to go either”. Whether you say that explicitly or through more subtle language. You and the other parent are the adults, navigating complex issues like shared parenting schedules is your responsibility, not the child’s. If children begin to feel they get to decide when and for how long they spend with each parent, this shifts the responsibility to the child. It’s like allowing a grade school student to suddenly decide when and if they will go to school. And that’s a responsibility that is much too big for little minds to handle. Trust that children will eventually reach an age where they can naturally decide when to visit each parent, but if that is done prematurely it can lead to significant repercussions. 

It’s a delicate balance between validating your child’s emotions, not reinforcing the resistance, and keeping the transition time short and sweet. If you need support in navigating the ever changing journey that is parenthood, please reach out for support. 

Please note, this does not reflect allegations or cases that involve abuse. 

Jessica