The Urge to Reach Out: Co-Parenting Boundaries After Separation

It’s natural to want to share the responsibility of the hard parenting moments with someone else. Whether it’s your toddler having a particularly emotional week, or your teen testing some household rules, it can feel like a lot to hold on your own. And if you’re single, it can be tempting to reach out to the other parent. It might even feel like it’s the “healthy” thing to do, what’s wrong with sharing these moments with the other parents after all? It might seem like the ideal co-parenting dynamic is one that involves reaching out to one another in an open communication forum, but there is no “normal” in a post-separation relationship. What works for one, does not work for all. And the happy post-divorce gatherings pitched on social media and perceived societally is the exception, not the rule. The trouble is, it can be a slippery slope depending on the relationship you have with the other parent. You reach out with something that is a typical and expected part of parenting, and before you know it, the boundaries that were once established have been washed out.  When you’ve opened the door to increased communication for momentary relief, it can cause more disruption than it does support (or whatever you were hoping to receive).

Sometimes, less is more and keeping clear boundaries can often be the healthier option. Not just because of what is being modeled for your kids, but because it’s what’s best for you.

Constantly returning to a source of pain in search of support, safety, or resourcefulness is not likely to lead to new results beyond what would have existed during the course of the relationship. This isn’t just true for the more difficult moments in parenting, it can also happen with happier ones as well. Your child might do something you feel proud of, accomplish something, or even overcome a particular obstacle, and these moments can be happy ones that you want to share with someone else. It can feel like there is no harm in sending a message to the other parent and can bring you a moment of relief from the feelings of loneliness that accompany single parenthood. 

Whether you're newly single parenting, or have been at it for several years, having some ground rules for yourself when it comes to communicating with your child’s other parent can help you navigate some of the grief and complexities of shared parenting time. This isn’t about not having contact at all, it’s about those times you are wanting to reach out beyond what’s already been agreed upon.

In many cases, it’s a good idea to set some sort of time for yourself before sending or responding to a message from your prior partner. This can also be true when your feeling like you want to reach out in what are typical parenting situations. Most messages are not about an emergency, and responding from a sense of urgency creates stress for you and wreaks havoc on your nervous system. Repeated exposure to this will only create harm in the long run. Set a rule for yourself to not respond right away. Adding in a grounding step before responding can be soothing and create calmness for your body and mind. Practice taking a sip of water before you respond, wash your face with cold water, step outside and take a deep breath of fresh air, or eat a sour candy. You’ll feel better and will be able to think more clearly on whether or not it’s necessary to reach out. 

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• Are you reaching out because it’s what you need or because it’s actually for your kids? 

• Is there a particular response you are hoping to get by sharing this information? 

• Is this a part of your communication plan? 

• Check in what you are feeling before reaching out - are you feeling alone in parenting? Are you seeking connection in reaching out?

Beyond what to do with the impulse to reach out to the other parent, the next step is to look inward at what you really need in these moments as a single parent. Once you navigate what to do with the communication, you need and deserve the space to find support for yourself. It takes a village - not just for the hard moments, but also to share in the joys of parenthood. And sometimes, you need to create your own village. Initiate playdates, reach out to old friends, and look for ways to meet new people. If your family doesn’t live nearby, send them photos of the things you are wanting to share, videocall when you can, and work on accepting what they can offer from a distance.

MINDFUL COPARENTING

Practicing mindfulness can be incredibly helpful in slowing you down before you decide what to do with the thoughts of reaching out. Mindfulness can be something as small as a few intentional breaths, focusing on your five senses, or bringing your attention back to the present moment (especially if it’s with your kids). Treat the thought of reaching out to the other parent as a passing cloud or imagine sending it away on train/plane/etc and practice coming back to the present moment. For the more challenging moments, work on creating a mantra that reminds you that these moments will pass (keep it short, simple, and easy to remember) and practice saying this in the mirror if necessary. Be kind to yourself when this takes practice and repetition

TAKE AWAY

Finally, look for ways to hold space for these parenting moments outside of your heart and mind. When you are in a happy or proud parenting moment, try taking a photo or video of whatever might be happening and creating a separate album on your phone; practice journaling about it when you have a moment; keep a running note on your phone; or say aloud what you are enjoying about the moment - you’ll not only feel more connected to your kids, but they’ll get to hear you say heartfelt things that will fill their buckets and build their confidence as well.

Jessica