Starting your Co-Parent journey? Here is a list of things to keep in mind

Starting your co-parenting journey is a big step—and whether the split was recent or it's been in the works for a while, transitioning from partners to co-parents takes emotional strength, communication, and a whole lot of patience. Here are some key things to keep in mind as you begin this new chapter:

PUT THE CHILD FIRST

This can be extremely easy in theory and extremely difficult in practice. While the romantic relationship may have ended, your shared responsibility as parents continues. It can be tempting to want to keep the status quo...but what happens when nothing looks or feels the same?

Decisions are best made when they are founded on your child’s emotional, mental, and physical well-being—not out of frustration, pride, or competition. Who determines what is best for the child? Well, that is where complications begin. In the beginning stages especially if you have young children (age 10 and lower) seek out appropriate support for help. Looking for guidance on issues regarding diet, sleep, and hygiene? Consult with their doctor. Looking for help with school or academics? Speak with the teacher.

Kids thrive with stability and love. Prioritize consistency and support over personal grievances. Rigidity can cause a significant amount of conflict so look for opportunities to be flexible. Children do not need consistency between the two homes (although that would be helpful). Draw focus and energy on consistency within your home and on your time.

Make efforts to remain curious with your co-parent. As I mentioned to parents in session, there are amazing parenting books written by amazing people with amazing research..and many of them contradict each other. There are many ways to parent and show love. If possible, check in with yourself to ensure that you aren't coming to conversations with a rigid idea of what "should" happen and what is "right" or "wrong". All-or-nothing thinking can be very polarizing and it can limit the opportunity for collaboration.

Put very simply, the concern related to divorce and children is mostly founded on repeated exposure to conflict. Coincidentally, that is also what harms parents as well. Try to support your child by working with your co-parent. Strategies outlined in the Parenting After Separation course can help outline behavioural expectations and also identify the quicksand that high-conflict co-parents often fall into.

It is in the best interests to have a relationship with a willing and able parent. The decision to limit or not work off of a shared parenting schedule should be considered carefully. Retaliation, hurt, anger or loneliness are NOT valid reasons to limit a child's parenting time with a parent. Experiencing big or negative feelings when working through separation or divorce is valid, using the child to work through those emotions is not.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY (EVEN IF IT'S HARD)

If communication was difficult within the partnership prior, it is likely going to become a more obvious problem after separation. There are valid reasons for this difficult shift. In a romantic partnership, you may have been sharing space so the other person may have been more physically available for informal conversations. You may have also been helping each other in ways that were contributing to adding positive regard that is now gone.

Establishing a respectful, business-like communication style can be incredibly helpful. The transition from partners in parenting (not in life) can be difficult to understand. When communicating, use soft start-ups. Ask when it's a good time to chat. Communicate the agenda or concern ahead of time.

Use the appropriate platform for communicating:

• Phone for emergencies

• Text for timely matters (running 10 minutes late for drop off, etc.)

• Email for confirming scheduling (proposed activities, birthday party dates, vacation schedule, etc.)

• In-person (conversations that require more depth or detail)

When communicating stick to the facts, avoid emotional arguments, and don’t use the child as a messenger. Children generally don't do the best with providing context so approaching conversations without judgment or assumptions can be tricky, but necessary. Do your best to avoid triangulation. Use direct and clear communication and speak to the appropriate party if there is a concern. If you find that communication is becoming a big problem, chances are that there are problems with boundaries and that your parenting plan is lacking the necessary detail.

Use communication tools or co-parenting apps if necessary to keep things clear and organized.

CREATE A CLEAR CO-PARENTING PLAN

A solid parenting plan can prevent confusion, resentment, and unnecessary conflict. Include details like custody schedules, holidays, vacations, decision-making responsibilities, and communication guidelines. The purpose of parenting plans is to create a structure of expectations. Parenting plans can be informally created at a kitchen table together, they can be created collaboratively with a therapist helping to lead and mediate the conversations, or they can be formal and structured within a custody agreement and court order.

Good fences make good neighbours and good parenting plans help to reduce ongoing conflict.

When discussing parenting plans, it is important to be specific but flexible. Life happens, and adaptability helps. Parenting plans should be reviewed as needs change or situations change. A good example is that a parenting plan crafted when a child was 4 may not be applicable when they are 10 and many things may need to be added to address age-related concerns (tech usage, social media boundaries, etc.).

Parenting plans, like court orders, work on the foundation that everyone is working to be respectful and mature. If someone is unwilling to respect a court order or their fellow co-parent, then efforts to create one may result in additional conflict. In circumstances where a co-parent is in high conflict or difficulty, a parenting plan is best suited as part of a court order.

CONSISTENCY MATTERS

Kids feel more secure when expectations and routines are similar in both homes. While consistency is helpful, it is not a requirement. Forcing the other home into your style of parenting or schedule may be met with resistance. Try to agree on core values, routines, and rules like bedtimes, screen time, and discipline strategies. You don't need to parent identically, but consistency helps prevent confusion and anxiety in kids.

It is helpful if parents share discipline strategies, however this is one area that is a common pain point for many co-parents. There are 4 main styles of parenting and the differences between them can create a significant amount of conflict:

Authoritative: a balance of structure and warmth (Secure Attachment)

Balance of structure and warmth

• Core traits: High expectations + high responsiveness

• Discipline approach: Firm but fair; set clear boundaries with reasoning and support.

• Communication: Open dialogue; parents explain rules and consequences.

• Outcomes: Children tend to be confident, responsible, and capable of regulating themselves.

Example: “You broke the rule, and there’s a consequence, but let’s talk about what happened and how we can learn from it.”

Authoritarian: strict and rule-based (Insecure Attachment)

Strict and rule-based

• Core traits: High expectations + low responsiveness

• Discipline approach: Rigid, often uses punishment; expects obedience without question.

• Communication: One-way (parent to child); little room for discussion.

• Outcomes: Children may be obedient but may also develop low self-esteem, anxiety, or resentment.

Example: “Because I said so. Rules are rules.”

Permissive: loving but lacking structure (Insecure-Anxious Attachment)

Loving but lacking structure

• Core traits: Low expectations + high responsiveness

• Discipline approach: Lenient; few rules or consequences; avoid conflict.

• Communication: Warm and nurturing, but lacks enforcement.

• Outcomes: Kids may struggle with self-discipline and authority, and have difficulty with boundaries.

Example: “I know you broke the rule, but I’ll let it slide this time—just don’t do it again.”

Uninvolved: detached and unresponsive (Insecure-Avoidant Attachment))

Detached and unresponsive

• Core traits: Low expectations + low responsiveness

• Discipline approach: Inconsistent or absent; little guidance or supervision.

• Communication: Minimal; emotional and physical needs may be overlooked.

• Outcomes: Children may feel ignored or unimportant and can struggle emotionally, academically, and socially.

Example: No rules are enforced, and consequences (if any) are unpredictable or nonexistent.

Ideally, Secure attachment forms the best parenting style. If you note that there is an insecure style that you align with most, no worries. Therapy is a great place to build secure attachment parenting styles. It can be incredibly difficult if you are parenting with a co-parent who has an insecure attachment.

MANAGE EMOTIONS OUTSIDE OF THE CO-PARENTING RELATIONSHIP

You may be grieving or dealing with anger, but your child should never feel like they're in the middle. Vent to a therapist, journal, or close friends—not your child. Find a support system that supports the long-term health of your co-parent journey. Friends and family that talk crap about your co-parent are not helping you or your children. Support groups that focus on problem talk are also not helpful.

Your feelings are valid and your hurt is real however the co-parenting relationship is not the space to work through those emotions. Co-parenting is the business of raising a child and sharing the protection and needs of that child. Practice self-care, and don’t hesitate to seek support as you adjust to this new dynamic.

NO TRASH-TALKING THE OTHER PARENT (OR ANY LOVED ONES)

Criticizing your co-parent in front of your child can damage their relationship with that parent and create confusion or guilt. Insecurity can create the belief that your relationship is improved by damaging the relationships of others. It is never ok to try to damage your child's relationship with a loved one. Even if you’re frustrated, model respect. Kids pick up on more than you realize. Do not try to use sneaky ways of trash-talking. This involves making side comments, encouraging others to do your dirty work by crap talk your co-parent, and seeking opportunities to make criticisms. Children can read passive-aggressive communication and even though you think you are being sneaky, you aren't. Stop it immediately.

SET BOUNDARIES (AND RESPECT THEM TOO)

Define what’s acceptable in your new co-parenting relationship—communication times, pick-up/drop-off rules, etc. Boundaries are meant to protect a relationship. They are not meant to hurt others or be punished. Boundaries are extremely misunderstood. Requests are when we ask others to change their behaviour. Boundaries are what you will/won't do in the absence of someone changing their behaviour. For example, a request might be "Please stop yelling at me" and a boundary would be "If you choose to yell at me, I will choose to hang up/walk away".

Boundaries help protect your space and reduce emotional spillover. Boundaries should focus on safety. Some people use boundaries to control the behaviours of others, however that is not their intended purpose. Respect goes both ways, even if it’s difficult. A conversation that would be helpful to have is to understand what the boundaries are within the individual homes. Understanding why your co-parent has that boundary in place can help to build empathy, understanding and collaboration between the homes.

STAY UNITED ON THE BIG STUFF (IF POSSIBLE)

Kids benefit when both parents are aligned on major life decisions—schooling, health care, religious upbringing, etc. Truthfully this is VERY difficult if one parent is uninvolved or permissive. Presenting a united front helps reinforce structure and support. There is a place of vulnerability when you reach out to a co-parent for help or collaboration. Treat those moments with respect, curiosity and gentleness.

If your co-parent is not working with you and is working against you, move to a parallel parenting structure.

EXPECT CHANGE AND STAY FLEXIBLE

As kids grow, their needs (and the co-parenting plan) may shift. Be open to revisiting agreements as circumstances evolve—new schools, remarriages, or shifting schedules.

2 circumstances cause disruptions in a stable co-parenting structure: new partners and finances. As mentioned earlier, don't let the status quo keep you in an all or nothing space where you become rigid.

FOCUS ON BUILDING A NEW KIND OF RELATIONSHIP

Your romantic relationship is over, but your parenting relationship is just beginning. The sooner you understand the grief associated with the breakup and can work on unpacking those feelings, the more available you will be to grow the new co-parent relationship. Over time, many co-parents learn to work together effectively—even amicably. In fact, after 3 years post-separation a large majority of co-parents learn to surf manageable waves of conflict. A few couples stay in a high conflict pattern. A lawyer will be able to identify if you are in high conflict and will suggest certain strategies to help manage the co-parenting relationship. The more you can foster mutual respect and teamwork, the better the experience for your child.

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BONUS: CELEBRATE SMALL WINS

Every peaceful exchange, successful schedule handoff, or agreed-upon decision is a win. Try not to take it for granted. Progress might feel slow, but every step toward cooperative co-parenting matters.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Starting your co-parenting journey isn’t easy—it takes work, patience, and time. But when you keep your child’s needs at the center and commit to respectful, intentional communication, you're already laying a strong foundation. You're not just learning how to co-exist—you're learning how to collaborate with someone you both love more than anything.

You’ve got this.

Want help creating a co-parenting plan or tips tailored to your situation? I’m here for that too.

Robin