The Dark Side of the Moon: How to maintain a strong connection with your teen/tween when they start to pull away

When children start to pull away from their parents, it can feel like abandonment to a parent, but it's a normal part of childhood and adolescent development. When a child is raised with secure parental relationships it can sometimes translate to a parent feeling irrelevant at times. It can be tempting to chase old childhood-dependant relationship behaviours but in doing so it can limit your opportunity to grow with your kids and allow them the freedom to gain independence, confidence and mastery!

It’s something we always knew was coming but never truly prepared for—the quiet moments when your kids start to drift. The days when their laughter fills the house less, their rooms seem emptier, and the conversation that once flowed freely becomes sparse. As a parent, it’s both a relief and a heartache.

Watching your kids grow up is an experience full of pride and joy. You see them develop their independence, their interests, and their social lives. You want them to flourish, to become strong, confident individuals who can stand on their own. But there’s this other, more silent side to it—a feeling that can easily be overlooked or brushed aside.

It starts subtly. Maybe at first, it’s just the occasional “I’m busy” or “I’ll talk to you later.” Then, over time, those moments become more frequent. Your child, who once could not wait to share every little thing with you, starts to look to their friends, their phones, or the world outside for company. And while you know it’s a normal part of growing up, it doesn’t make it any easier to bear.

The silence in the house can be deafening, especially when you’re used to constant chatter about school, friends, and the small everyday events that once mattered so much to them. It’s not that they no longer care about you—it’s just that they’re starting to find themselves outside of the family bubble. And as much as you celebrate their growth, there’s a small, quiet grief that comes with it.

I won’t lie: it stings. When you’re used to being a main character in the play of their life, it can feel like an emotional gap is widening between you. You’ll find yourself reaching out, trying to bridge that gap with a text, a question, a comment, only to be met with a delayed response or, worse, none at all. It’s easy to take it personally, but this is the tricky part of parenting—accepting that it’s not about you. It’s about them and their journey.

And yet, there are those small moments that remind you that they still need you, even if just a little. It could be a random hug, an unexpected conversation about something personal, or even the quiet acknowledgment of your presence. These moments are fleeting, but they are precious, and they remind you that no matter how much they grow, they will always need you in some way.

The hardest part of all is realizing that the person they’re becoming is no longer entirely defined by you. They are carving out their own path, developing their own identity, and that’s a beautiful thing. But as a parent, it feels like a little piece of your world is slowly slipping away.

So, what do you do when the conversations get shorter and less frequent? You give them space. You let them grow. You remember that this is all a part of life. But you also hold onto the moments you do have, and cherish them for what they are.

Here are some strategies to handle this phase constructively:

1. Maintain Open Communication: Keep lines of communication open without being intrusive. Let your teen know you're available to talk whenever they're ready.

2. Respect Their Independence: Allow your teen to have their own space and make their own decisions. Support their growing independence while still providing guidance.

3. Be a Good Listener: When your teen does open up, listen actively and empathetically. Avoid jumping to conclusions or offering unsolicited advice immediately.

4. Set Clear Boundaries: While giving them space, ensure that rules and expectations are clear. Consistent boundaries provide a sense of security.

5. Encourage Shared Activities: Find common interests or activities that you both enjoy and use these moments to strengthen your bond.

6. Show Trust and Support: Demonstrate trust in their ability to make decisions and offer support for their interests and goals.

7. Be Patient: Understand that this phase is a normal part of development. Your teen is working on establishing their own identity, which can involve pulling away.

8. Model Positive Behaviour: Show healthy ways to handle stress and conflicts. Your behavior sets an example for how they might navigate their own relationships.

9. Address Conflicts Calmly: If conflicts arise, try to resolve them calmly and respectfully. Avoid escalating situations with anger or frustration.

10. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If you notice significant changes in your teen’s behavior or mental health, consider seeking advice from a counselor or therapist.

11. Encourage Peer Relationships: Support their friendships and social activities, which are important for their development and can also provide valuable social support.

12. Show Unconditional Love: Reinforce that your love and support are constant, even if they seem distant or independent.

They’re still your kids, even if the dynamics are changing. And when they come back to you—whether with a funny story, a problem they need advice on, or just a quick chat to check in—you’ll realize that the connection was never truly lost.

Navigating this period requires a balance of respect, patience, and understanding. By fostering a supportive and trusting relationship, you can help your teen through this transitional phase while maintaining a strong connection. It’s a bittersweet journey, but it’s part of the beautiful, heartbreaking, and ultimately rewarding process of being a parent. The conversations may fade, but the love remains, quietly enduring through all the stages of their lives. Just as a moon waxes and wanes, it is no less present...you just have to have the patience until it presents itself again.

In the meantime, consider embracing the change. Don't let rigidity trap you. Discover new interests or hobbies, reconnect with friends and purpose, rediscover pockets of time that were previously held for hands on parenting. Be gentle with yourself.

Robin