THIS IS PART 2 OF A 2 PART BLOG THAT FOCUSES ON THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT CAN EXIST BETWEEN A STEPMOM AND A BIOMOM
So she shows up one day. Maybe you knew it was coming or maybe it was a surprise. She walks into your life and takes on a maternal role for your child. This person is around for vulnerable and intimate moments, and well as big celebrations and events. Maybe it started out great. An extra set of hands! Maybe it was rocky from the beginning and there has been no sign of relief since. Maybe it was awesome and is awesome and you are praying everyday that nothing changes. Either way, you are sharing your family.
I am a stepmom and I have a huge amount of respect for the mom role and for every type of mom out there. I love biological moms, stepmoms, adoptive moms, grandma turned mom, foster moms, animal moms, mom's without children and every mom with. I just feel like there is a reason we all exist and a purpose for every one of us. There is space at the table and children are not limited in their capacity to love. But sharing sucks and sometimes it's hard to want to make space at the table for the guest you didn't invite. And I get that.
It can be incredibly difficult parenting with someone that has different priorities and ideals. Conflict can detract from the real business at hand: making sure those kiddos are loved, safe and happy. I have met a lot of wonderful bio mom's in my line of work. I have met awesome women who work endlessly put their child's interests first. I think it is admirable to open your life and your world to another parent and to work selflessly to build an awesome parental village for the kids.
When the stars align and everyone is on the same page, co-parenting is awesome. When there is conflict and negativity...it's hard. Part 1 focused on the the stepmom and how to work with an unwilling or uninterested bio mom. Part 2 focuses on the bio mom and how to work with an unwilling or uninterested stepmom. It's a letter of love and appreciation to all the bio mom's out there who show up everyday and try their hardest in the face of adversity.
HERE IS MY ADVICE FOR BIO MOMS ON HOW TO NAVIGATE A ROCKY RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE STEPMOM
Empathy
Empathy is a great tool to exercise with your the stepmom in your life. There is a good chance that the stepmom in your life didn't imagine her ideal future including the weight and stigma of the stepmom role, a lingering feeling of being second best, and a life long dance of trying to figure out their place in the big picture. Just as there is a likelihood that you didn't wake up one day and say "I think I'd like to be away from my child or children for 1 week at a time". I think one of the least empathetic things you can say to someone is "you know what you were getting into when..." so yes, while they knew about the kid(s) when they entered the picture, like ALL parents, that doesn't mean they were necessarily prepared for all things parenthood. Empathy involves understanding someone else's position. Be curious about their experience, refrain from judgment and try to remind yourself through the tough times that expanding the village of people that love your child can never be a bad thing.
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life's terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. It's looking around and saying "ok, this is reality. This is happening". It is a shift in thinking and a way to preserve and protect your energy.
Radical acceptance can be a helpful tool when dealing with a challenging stepmom. It may be tempting to fantasize about a time when she wasn't there. Or maybe there is the idea that if the stepmom role was being filled by another, it wouldn't be so bad. The sooner you leave the fantasies and settle in reality, the less energy you will spend fighting a war you can't win. It's about accepting, not agreeing. There is a good chance the other house isn't an identical replica of your own and things are being done differently. That's ok! Focus on your home and the things you can control. Above all, know that you will get through this! Did the stepmom ignore you? Fine. Did the stepmom give your child cookies as a bedtime snack? Not great but ok. Did the stepmom call you names, gossip or say hurtful things about you? Not ok. Did she do those things around your kids? DEFINITELY NOT OK.
There is no excuse for maltreatment or disrespectful behaviour. It is never ok to be treated poorly, bullied or to be the victim of abuse. If these behaviours are happening to you, find supports. Find a counsellor to talk too, find a lawyer to advocate for your rights, a co-parenting expert to help facilitate conversations and change. Accepting that hurt people, hurt people is one thing. Agreeing with it and putting yourself in a position to get hurt isn't ok.
Boundaries
There are likely going to be differences between the two homes. Maybe in parenting styles, schedules, priorities and behaviours. It is important to acknowledge those differences and remove judgment. When a boundary has been crossed, take the time to explore what the specifics. What about the situation crossed the line? Try to divide the behaviours into two categories: big picture and small picture. Big picture things are usually long term and have a deeper impact. Small picture are usually preferences and things you would like to change, but have no control over. You will need to move on from small picture things and focus solely on the big picture. The stepmom's chosen term of endearment for your kiddos...Small picture. Your child's lunch at the other home? Small picture. The stepmom's constant disregard of the custody schedule? Big picture. Anyone talking poorly about another parent or seeking to diminish a parental/child bond or connection...NOT OK. BIG PICTURE.
You are the only person responsible for your feelings and emotions. You cannot make anyone else feel a certain way. If feelings are constantly being hurt, it may be time to review your emotional space. Counselling is a great place to discuss those hard feelings..the kitchen table isn't.
Friendly not friends
Friendship is not a necessity for co-parenting and it is definitely not a requirement between the biological mom and the stepmom (same for the stepdad and biological dad). Having said that, respectful behaviour is important and kindness goes a long way to achieving that. Having a respectful relationship gives children a relief from loyalty binds, it allows for a reduction in anxiety and a freedom and flexibility for them to have a more fluid life between their two worlds. If a mutual friendship develops over time, that is awesome! If the thought of being friends makes you itch, that's ok too. Friendship is not the end goal...respect is.
It's ok to be friendly and not be friends. It's ok to not want to be friends. Truth is, friendship happens organically and over time. It's a choice and you can choose "no". Having said that, it is important that we treat everyone with respect. If you don't want to be friends and you get the impression that the stepmom does...politely communicate that. If you do want to be friends and the stepmom doesn't...that's ok too. Friendship is not a requirement for an awesome co-parent. I will say that kids watch our behaviours closely, closer than we think. It could only serve to be of benefit to be kind to another, and to accept the kindness given.
Build your village
Surround yourself with support. Find a wonderful collaboration of women and mother's that are in different roles. Get different perspectives. Listen to your stepmom friends and ask for advice. Don't let pride or anger stand in the way of what could be an opportunity to collaborate. Think of creative ways to get the stepmom involved (if that’s a concern). Communicate your concerns with your child's father in a constructive way and try to work together. I should mention that simply trying to push the stepmom out of the picture or limit their role, is not respectful or a long term solution. Instead, focus the conversation around big picture items. If you find that one of the roadblocks to moving forward on a respectful co-parenting path with the stepmom is actually you (or more specifically unprocessed feelings or grief), be vulnerable and honest about that. Take the time to work on yourself and expand your village to include a Counsellor (see blog regarding unhelpful divorce resources for reference on people and things that will not be helpful in this situation).
Expect Nothing and appreciate everything
The Stepmom isn't you and she will never be you. There is a very good chance that being your replacement isn't even something she wants. Extra hands are just that...extra. Adjust expectations and appreciate the pleasant surprises. Take the kind word, the kind eye contact, and the small favour for what they are. Change your focus towards gratitude and be mindful of the good. Notice the effort or kindness that she puts into your child and appreciate her on those terms. Put your effort into what you can control and continue to the build the life you want for your kids on your terms, on your time, in your house. Change is effected through love and I know you’ve got enough to make it through!
Grace
Give yourself the gift of Grace. Sharing your family is hard. The Co-parenting structure may be a long way off of what you had envisioned for your child when they were in the womb. It's ok to grieve that loss. It's to mourn what will never be, It's ok to be hurt if the separation/divorce wasn't your choice. It's ok to have had expectations for the stepmom role and your relationship and feel let down when they weren't met. Be patient with your stepmom. Use empathy, radical acceptance, and boundaries. Be authentic to who you are and friendly and respectful in your interruptions. Recognize the small things and the good. Know that most fires slowly burn out after they have exhausted the available oxygen.
DO NOT BE THEIR OXYGEN
At the end of the day, your mental health impacts your family. Co-parenting can be amazingly rewarding, but there are every day hurdles. Communicate with your child's father. Determine what will work best for your family. This article focused on the stepmom/bio mom relationship, but there are many relationships that will influence your co-parenting. Couples counselling is a great way to build a strong foundation for your current relationship, which will help in the face of external adversity. Individual counselling can be incredibly helpful when sorting through feelings and learning conflict resolution skills. Family therapy is a great resource for willing parents to discuss co-parenting challenges.
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