2020 was a mess. I knew early on in the year that things weren’t going to go as planned. If there is 1 thing that 2020 taught me, it was that the only thing I can truly control is my attitude, behaviour, and beliefs. I can’t move mountains, but I can see them as opportunities as opposed to obstacles, and I can learn to climb them.
I KNEW I WANTED SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR 2021
The end of 2019 was filled with grief and I inadvertently carried that grief (and fear) into 2020. I’m not suggesting that I manifested all of my 2020 challenges, but Covid definitely slide into my narrative quite easily. My brother was diagnosed in February with advanced stage 4 Cancer, during a pandemic. That started a tailspin of negative thinking and a fear-based manifestation around “2020”. Career changes, small business challenges, death, weather patterns, failed hip surgery, a broken toe, the UPS guy driving over my favorite shrub…of course…2020.
With all the negativity swirling around the year, I started to build my 2021 much in the same way I built 2020. I started to build it in fear of what the last year had brought. I prayed for health, joy, opportunity and abundance. All things that I had struggled with in 2020. I knew I had a problem in the third last week of 2019. I had a scheduled “routine” surgery. It was not successful. The idea of carrying over this medical concern into 2021 made me start to panic. I was so desperate to start a new year. To start it fresh and leave all of the negative 2020 things in the past.
But that’s the thing…our lives don’t entirely change overnight. Nothing truly magical happens in the early morning of January 1. Truth is, we don’t know what the next year brings. We don’t even know what tomorrow, or later today brings. What I do know is this: we are responsible for what we bring into the New Year. We are responsible for our attitudes, our beliefs, our actions, our thoughts. Anything that we were carrying on the evening of January 31, comes with us on Jan 1…unless we are willing to put it down.
UNHELPFUL THINKING
Splitting (also referred to as black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) is a polarized way of thinking wherein we don’t allow ourselves to find middle ground. We lack balance when we use this type of thinking and it blurs our vision, making it hard for us to see the full picture. Splitting can be extremely detrimental, especially at this time of year. Goals are important, intentions give focus, and planning is helpful, however, when we become so caught up in a specific plan, any disruption becomes an opportunity to bail.
How do you know if you are splitting?
There are certain words that alert you to this maladaptive type of thinking:
-Always
-Never
-Ruined
-Should
-Impossible
-Perfect
When we approach situations with dichotomous thinking, we limit ourselves. For example, I used to create formal New Year Resolutions. Usually by day 5 something would happen. If it was a diet, I would go a friend’s house and eat outside of the strict guidelines I had created and I would gorge myself to make up for how I had limited myself. If it was exercise, I would miss a day due to weather and then stop trying all together. If it was journaling, I would forget to do it and then toss it into the back of a drawer. The list goes on and on. By day 5, I would have abandoned my resolutions because out of the 365 days I had wanted to commit to something, I hadn’t entirely succeeded.
If this sounds like you, you are not alone! In fact, splitting is one of the most common thinking errors. For anyone that is challenged with anxiety or depression, it is likely that you are vulnerable to thinking in absolutes as well! All-or-nothing thinking causes us to ruminate and that negative focus causes us to stay in a cycle that often lacks self-compassion.
How do I set myself up for success?
All or nothing thinking is something that I try to work on Every. Single. Day. The perfectionist in me would like to rewrite journal entries. She would like to re-do moments in time and change the outcome. The most helpful thing that I have found in myself was a change in my attitude as well as a change in my process. I try to focus of progress not perfection. The goal is to create sustainable, positive change. For some people, smart goals work really well. For others, concentrating on the bigger picture is helpful. Trial and error (or learning as I like to refer to it) is how we discover what works best for us.
This year I created a goal of getting my body moving for 20 min a day. I created this goal to help with my mental and physical health. If I commit to going for a 20 min walk a day, and I fall off schedule, I am more than likely to not even try to go the next day. BUT, if I focus on moving my body every day, then it becomes easier to be flexible with my choices. Maybe I don’t get a 20 min walk in, but I play Just Dance with my kiddo for a bit, walk to the mailbox to grab the mail, park at the far end of the parking lot so I have to walk a bit further? If I understand the big picture for my goal (like how to want to feel, or a long-term benefit) then I am more likely to find creative and flexible ways to commit.
Change takes time. We developed habits because they were self-serving and at some point in time they provided a benefit. It helps to explore the physical, social, and psychological benefits that we are receiving from a behaviour, and then to examine it against our larger long-term goals. Take time to explore your intentions. Are you creating a scenario that is unrealistic or difficult to sustain? Create goals that focus on love and not fear: things that you want to draw in and not push away. Focus on creating the life you want, not creating the life you don’t want. Be open to creative suggestions and opportunities.
New year, New me?
Einstein said it simply: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”.
There is truth in his words. If we come into the new year, the new week, the new day, with the same attitudes, behaviours and feelings…there is very little room for change. The best thing I have done to create positive change, is to make space and to free up my time to make good choices. This means being intentional and mindful. If you are looking to create room in your life for positive change, evaluate what is currently taking your time and energy. Does it align with your long-term desires? Does it make you feel good? If not, maybe it’s time for a change.
Big change comes from small, consistencies. Step into tomorrow with a creative spirit, a compassionate soul, and a curious mindset! Every day is filled with countless opportunities! Try to not look at days in terms of “success” or “failure” but instead as learning and growth opportunities! There are unlimited opportunities to begin!
